


Jalec: How I Love You

by Peaceful_Warlock



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Brotherly Love, Cute, Family, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, Non-platonic, Parabatai, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Unrequited Love, jalec - Freeform, love is all you need
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:46:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peaceful_Warlock/pseuds/Peaceful_Warlock
Summary: Alec and Jace finally have a conversation about Alec's feelings for his parabatai which stirs up some unexpected emotions and calls for a lot of figuring stuff out on both their parts.





	1. Training Room Floor: I Don't Mind

 “Alec, just tell me. If you can’t tell me, your parabatai, then who can you tell?” Jaces’ eyebrows shoot up as he makes his point.

The two of them are sat across from each other, on the floor of the training room. It’s after midnight and the only light comes streaming in through the half-open door they had come through and not bothered to close about an hour ago, illuminating their faces with a soft amber glow from the corridor. With their expressions made obvious from this light, Jace continues to press Alec for answers.

Alec should have known that this late-night session, intended to relieve stress from the pair of shadowhunters, would end up causing more harm than good to his already spiralling emotions. Alec knew he had been so painfully obvious with his distraction whilst they were sparring together, with every punch his partner got in on him, eliciting a questioning look and a “are you sure you’re okay?”

Now, Alec simply prays that this interrogation will all be over soon and he can go up to bed, close his door behind him, and crawl under his covers with an exasperated sigh, like he does most nights. If only. Jace is not so willing to let this go judging by the stern look of his face, a question still on his lips.

“Well?” Jace continues.

Alec, remembering the question, thinks to himself _anyone but you._ The cause of his constant distraction being something he had hoped to never have to have a conversation about with the very man sitting opposite him right now.

“It’s nothing” Alec persists. “I’m just tired.”

“Oh, come on Alec, you’ve been acting weird for weeks now. You think I can’t tell something’s up? You feel, I feel, remember?”

Alec almost snorts at this, the irony. He feels sure that if Jace really did feel what he, himself, felt, that his current problems would be a lot smaller. But he knew that would never happen, knew he would be doomed to live with his forbidden feelings and that they would continue to be unrequited.

Alec tries desperately not to make eye contact as he stumbles over his words. “I just, I just haven’t...been myself…recently, that’s all.” He finishes with a short, pained apology.

Jace instantly softens his expression at this, a small sigh escaping his lips. “You don’t have to be sorry. I just wish you’d open up, Alec, this, whatever it is, is clearly getting to you. Badly.”

Alec makes eye contact, briefly, then moves his gaze down Jace’s face and away from the beautiful eyes staring at him with concern. He does this faster than what would be considered natural. _Clearly getting to you. Yeah._ He thought to himself, without sarcasm. _I can see how you came to that conclusion, Jace._

Jace is the one to speak next, after seeing how uncomfortable his brother looks, silent.

“Look, whatever it is, I can handle it. _We_ can handle it – together. Like we do everything.”

Alec can’t remember the last time he heard his parabatai being so sappy, for lack of a better word. It only made him fall harder. _Damn it._ Alec curses how this man always made so much sense and put so much reassurance into his words. When he wanted to.

Feeling defeated, the black-haired shadowhunter sighs. Should he just tell him? Is he even able to, though? He laughs internally at himself for realising he was more scared about the words about to come out of his mouth than he had ever been on the battlefield. He breathes in deep.

“Alec, please?” Jace begs, a pleading look on his face. But Alec already has his arrow ready to fly.

“I am in love with you.” It flies. No turning back.

Jace’s face goes through a lot of emotions then but shock is not one of them, Alec notes with surprise. In fact, what Jace does next is so unexpected, Alec just freezes, wide-eyed.

“Finally!” Jace exclaims as one big, exasperated sigh. Alec doesn’t move an inch for a good few seconds of processing time then blinks.

“What?” He manages.

“Sorry. I mean wow.” Jace corrects, eyebrows shooting for the sky. “You actually told me.” And a fond smile places itself on his face.

Alec doesn’t know what to do with himself, so he just stares. For a while, anyway.

“You knew?!”

“Alec, look, subtlety is not exactly your strong suit.” Jace looks almost apologetic. “And I’m very observant.” He adds with an almost smug smile forming.

“I can’t believe this! How could you not have told me? You just let me suffer?” Alec is breathing heavy, his palms sweating, eyes now fixed on his parabatai’s, like daggers.

“Alec, I wasn’t sure, of course, but I put the pieces together…” He now looks slightly guilty, realising he may have appeared to be making light of the situation that was causing Alec so much pain. “I just really wanted you to want to tell me. You know? I thought I could get something out of you eventually and that you would be relieved?” Jace knew the fact he said this as a question wasn’t good.

“How long have you known?” Alec tries to calm down as he is aware the man he knows so well would never intentionally hurt him. _Knowingly, anyway,_ he thinks.

“About 6 months? I don’t know.” Jace looks pretty drained by now, they both do.

“Oh” Alec knows he has to tell Jace the whole truth, what’s the point in hiding anything now?

“What?” Jace realises the tone in his parabatai’s voice. “How long have _you_ known?”

“Since a few days before our parabatai ritual…” Alec winces, awaiting this reaction.

Jace’s eyes bulge and the elbow he had leaning on the ledge next to him collapses, quite ungracefully. “Oh.” He breathes in deep. “I didn’t see that coming.”

“Yeah…”

“That’s six years ago, Alec!” Jace decides to exclaim this as if Alec isn’t well aware of this fact.

“Yeah, and it’s been _so_ fun.” The sarcasm drips as he says it.

Jace looks sad but then speaks up.

“Huh. I guess I owe you more credit for your subtlety. And I’m clearly not as observant as I thought.”

Alec just sighs, for what seems like the millionth time. “I’m sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry.” He feels as though he might cry.

“No, Alec, don’t apologise.” He says before shifting his position slightly so that he could lean back on the wall behind them, legs laid out straight in front and crossed at the ankle. Alec thought he looked very relaxed, considering the topic being discussed.

“I don’t know what to do.” Alec states simply, gazing at the floor in front of him. “This is so bad, Jace.”

“Oh, I don’t know, there are worse things to be told.” Jace also stares off, not looking at Alec, but for different reasons.

“Really? Like what?” Alec can’t help the irritated tinge that comes with this when he says it.

“You could be telling me you hate me” Jace offers. “Though, that is absurdly unrealistic, I suppose.”

 _Typical Jace._ Alec thinks, scoffing. But he can’t bring himself to be annoyed by the shameless egotism he was more than used to by now.

“Why are you not more upset about all this?” Alec demands. “Don’t you realise how terrible it is?”

“It’s inconvenient, I’ll admit.”

“Inconvenient?” Alec sounds flustered now. “I suppose it will be pretty inconvenient when we’re _exiled_ and _deruned_.” He deadpans.

“Only if the clave finds out.” Jace adds, with a point. “You’ve done a pretty good job at hiding it so far.”

“I am sick of suffering in secret, Jace, I thought you understood that much.”

Jace now looks right at his fretting parabatai, forcing Alec to look up to meet his gaze.

“But it’s different now. Now, we both know that each other knows.” Jace’s voice is becoming more and more soft as he reassures Alec. “You don’t have to suffer alone anymore, we’ll work this out. Together.”

This last word makes Alec’s heart leap. Could they really get through this? Together?

Alec has a hard time believing what Jace is saying, after all, Alec was the one suffering, who has been suffering all this time. And now Jace thinks miraculously that they can resolve everything Alec is hung up about with the power of teamwork?

“How exactly?” Alec asks sceptically. “It’s not like you can click your fingers and my feelings will go away just like that.” Alec knows he’s probably being harsh.

“Well what do you want me to say?” Jace looks hard at Alec’s pained face. “What can I do to make this easier for you?”

“Nothing.” Alec looks away now, ashamed. “It’s okay. This is my cross to bear.”

“No. I want to help, we’re in this together, I –”

“You really think that’s gonna help? You being there, picking up the pieces, a shoulder to cry on? You don’t think that’ll just make things even harder for me?” Alec looks mad, he knows he’s gone too far, but he’s upset and Jace doesn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.

“Well shit, Alec, I don’t know!” Now Jace looks annoyed, if not, just exasperated, drained, desperate. “I really don’t know, okay?” Alec notices a sad, defeated undertone to his voice now. “I’m not an expert. I’ve never even been in love.” As he says this, his eyes are once again detracted from Alec and go to look at his own feet.

Now Alec does feel bad for snapping. This man, his brother in arms, has sat here, on the cold, hard floor, well into the night, comforting and reassuring him, ensuring that they reach the bottom of what’s been giving Alec so much grief. He could have just walked away, it wasn’t his problem, after all. But he stayed, and Alec knew he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. _Where thou goest, I will go._

“It’s really not all it’s cracked up to be” Alec says softly, sort of hugging himself with his long arms wrapped around his middle. “It’s not worth it.”

Jace counters this. “It probably is, as long as you don’t fall in love with your parabatai.” He smirks and Alec sees the Jace he knows and loves, always wanting to cheer up his grumpy best friend.

Alec can’t help but let out a small laugh, instantly feeling a huge weight being lifted. “That’s hilarious. Thank you.” He remarks humorously in reply.

Jace looks at him fondly now, all love. Warmth spreads throughout the cold, empty void Alec thought he had permanently inflicted himself with, since the start of this heavy conversation. This is why he loved him and why he couldn’t just turn it off. He’s not even sure he wants to turn it off anymore. _By the angel, why is love so complicated._

“Alec?” His gaze doesn’t leave Alec’s. “Can I admit something to you?”

“I think it’s only fair.” Alec remarks, curious to see what Jace could possibly have in store for him. Whatever it is, it couldn’t trump ‘I’m in love with you’, that’s for sure.

Jace clears his throat and Alec expects some kind of monologue to follow. He’s intrigued, to say the least. And grateful that some of the heat is being taken off of him.

“When I was young, it was just me and my father.” Jace begins, now looking back at his feet. “I didn’t have any friends, siblings, no one. My version of love was just what I thought my father and I had. That was all love was, an obligation, almost. And even that was torn away from me.”

There’s a sad and short silence before Jace clears his throat and continues.

“When I came here, to your family, I was overwhelmed. You were people who already had such love for each other, so much that there must have been spare for me, I guess. You accepted me, right off the back, just like that.” Alec remembers ten-year-old Jace well and with fondness. He has always felt so lucky that that young blond boy was brought to him, as if by fate, and he couldn’t imagine his life without him now.

“What I’m trying to say is…” Jace seems to struggle and Alec does wonder where it’s going.

“…Is that you and Izzy are the first people I ever had the opportunity to learn to love. You gave me that opportunity by always making me feel welcome, like one of the family. I didn’t understand it at the time, I wasn’t used to…you know…other people. But I did learn to love you. Both of you. And I still do, so much.”

Alec felt his chest tighten at the words. It’s not as if Jace hadn’t told him he loved him before but this felt different, more meaningful because of the conversation it was a part of.

“Like I said, I don’t know a lot about love. I can’t easily distinguish between the different forms it takes. But…”

Alec took a sharp intake of breath in anticipation.

“But I do know I love you in a different way to how I love Izzy.” Jace looks expectantly at Alec who has been looking right back with intent as he’s been speaking.

“Right. Because of our bond.” Alec offers.

“Exactly.” Jace looks relieved that he’s understood. “I get that, Alec. I get you. We’re parabatai and it’s…familiar, you know?”

Alec just nods, still slightly unsure where all this is going. Jace stops leaning on the wall and sits upright, with more intention, looking at Alec.

“What I’m trying to say is _you_ are the person I love most in the world, Alec. I _know_ that. Fact.”

“Jace, why are you telling me this now?” Should Alec be worried? Excited?

“What if I just don’t know _how_ I love you?”

Alec squinted in confusion at Jace’s rhetorical question, missing something. Jace carried on, seeing his confusion.

“Look, over these past six years, I haven’t felt anything…weird, different. Through the bond, I mean. No discrepancies. Which should mean that we have both shared the same feelings towards each other, right? Or else, I would have found out your dirty little secret years ago.”

Alec wasn’t sure how much he appreciated the referral of his deep-rooted and emotionally intense feelings towards his parabatai as a ‘dirty little secret’ but his intrigue stopped him from questioning it.

“It can only mean one thing, really.” Jace says this as if it’s obvious what he means but Alec’s brows furrow even more, making Jace elaborate.

“One of us must be wrong.” He states simply to Alec, looking directly at him, willing him to understand.

Alec feels a horrible sensation come over him as something dawns on him.

“Wait, are you saying you think I’m making this all up? That it’s not real, I’ve just been lying to myself all these years? Really? You think _you_ can tell me how I _actually_ feel, that I don’t really love you like-”

“No. Alec.” Jace cuts him off calmly. “I’m saying maybe _I’ve_ been dishonest with myself.”

“What?” _This is an interesting idea_ , Alec thinks, _ridiculous, but interesting, no less._

“Maybe that’s the reason everything has felt so natural with our bond all these years, despite your divergence.” Jace looks genuinely intrigued, himself, by what he’s saying, as if he’s simply figuring it out as he goes along. Alec suspects he is.

Alec can’t believe it though. Why would Jace ever have feelings like that for Alec? It wasn’t the same, Jace wasn’t…

“But you’re not even…” _Gay,_ Alec completes in his head.

“Gay?” Jace knows what he’s thinking but has different ideas. “Does it matter? It’s you.”

Alec is temporarily stunned. What is going on? Is Jace exploring the possibility of Alec’s forbidden feelings being reciprocated? Alec has to know more.

“But surely you would know. Like I do?”

“Maybe not. Like I said, I am no expert, Alec. Maybe I’m just not as in touch with my feelings?”

“What? As opposed to me?” Alec couldn’t hide his ‘ _are you serious?_ ’ tone. “Jace, we all know I have the emotional capabilities of a rock.” He thinks and decides to add “A rock that’s been rained on.”

This makes Jace smile _that smile_ and Alec almost wishes he hadn’t said it. Almost.

“True” Jace manages through the smile and he looks away, around the room. Everything is silent for a few moments.

“Can I ask you a question” Alec says when they both return to more serious faces, the remnants of light-heartedness remaining in their soft expressions. “You have to be completely honest.”

“Of course.” Jace doesn’t even look nervous. Oh, how Alec envies him sometimes.

“Do you… mind?” Alec asks this rather shyly despite everything they’ve already discussed.

Jace looks dumbfounded as he turns his attention back to his parabatai, eyes on eyes. Now, he looks serious.

“Alec” he starts. “Of course I don’t mind.” Alec sighs from relief, internally and Jace continues. “I don’t care. Well, I mean, I care about you and your feelings, obviously, but I don’t think any less of you. What kind of parabatai would that make me?” He pauses and then thinks of something else he wants to say.

“The only thing I mind, is the fact that I haven’t been there for you with this for the past 6 years, when you needed me most. It kills me that you had to go through all this on your own because that’s what I’m here for, Alec. So you don’t ever have to do anything alone.”

Alec sits there, in awe of his perfect parabatai, knowing just the right things to say. _How do I deserve this man?_ They smile at each other, friendly, natural and familiar. Suddenly, that whole conversation could have never even happened because nothing had changed between them. There is no awkwardness, no tension and Alec realises in this moment that he’s glad everything is out in the open. Maybe they could work this mess out together?

Jace breaks the comfortable silence first. “Would it be weird if I hugged you?”

Alec just breathes out and smiles more. About an hour ago, the answer would have been yes, for sure, not that he would have admit that then. Now he doesn’t have to. He shakes his head in response and adds “I really hope not because I could use it.”

A few seconds later and they’re wrapped up in each other’s arms, still on the floor, breathing the other one in to stabilise themselves, ground themselves. And it’s not weird; it’s the opposite.

They stand up together and Jace tells Alec he should get some sleep after all that strenuous soul-searching. Alec agrees with a yawn but as they near the corridor where they will go their separate ways, Alec looks decidedly sad again, lost in thought about the consequences of his frowned-upon feelings.

Before they do part ways, Jace promises they will talk in the morning and everything will be fine. But Alec’s sad smile at this puts Jace at unease and before he’s walked too far away from his best friend, he calls back to him quickly.

“Alec?” Jace turns around as he says it, not content with the look on Alec’s face, not prepared to leave him like that.

“Yeah?”

“Cheer up, okay? It could be worse.”

“Go on” Alec invites.

“You could have told me you secretly don’t really even like me?”

“Don’t you think that would be easier?”

Jace smiles. “No.” is all he says. It’s all he needs to.

Jace is rewarded by a genuine smile and that’s enough to send him back in the direction of his room, with an even bigger smile plastered on his own face. Jace wonders to himself, _what form of love is this?_

 


	2. Breakfast: Don't Apologise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning is here and the Lightwood siblings are making breakfast, Jace and Alec have some more talking to do.

Jace’s POV – next morning

Jace wakes up around mid-morning, having forgotten to set an alarm the previous night for his usual 6am start. For a few moments after having regained consciousness, he is blissfully unaware of anything as he yawns and stretches out of bed.

Then it hits him.

Everything comes flooding back with force and Jace finds himself having to sit back down on the side of his unmade bed. He rubs his eyes and tries to focus his thoughts. _It’s okay._ He reassures himself. _I’ve just got a lot of thinking to do. Alec’s going to be fine. We’re going to be fine._

After a brisk shower and an outfit change, he’s out the door. As soon as he steps into the hall, the comforting smell of freshly brewed coffee and pancakes hits him. _Alec must be in the kitchen._

As he approaches the door where the smell is escaping from, he’s surprised to hear two voices casually talking to each other. _Izzy?_

As he steps into the doorway, he thinks he hears her mumble “speak of the devil.”

“Wasn’t expecting to see you in here, Izzy.” Jace enters with, running a hand through his dishevelled hair.

Alec turns around briefly from the stove where he’s busy preparing breakfast.

Izzy looks confused, sat at the breakfast bar on a swivel stool. “Why?”

“Because I smelt something good coming from the kitchen.” He smirks.

His sister just rolls her eyes. “Ha ha” she fake laughs.

Now Alec pipes up, not turning around, however. “You’re up late, sun came up hours ago, you know?”

“Yeah, I overslept. At least I get breakfast with you guys now.” A sincere smile appears on his still sleepy face and he seats himself next to his sister.

Izzy sips her coffee particularly loudly then, looking into her mug as she does, before she looks up and smiles between her two brothers, knowingly. “Yeah” Her smile broadens impossibly. “It’s nice.”

She continues, adding an accusatory look at Alec. “Would be nicer if we could get some food around here, though.”

“Patience, Izzy. This is just how long it takes when you want to _avoid_ food poisoning.” He smiles and so does Jace.

“I’ll help” Jace starts to get up but Alec turns around, points to his seat and puts him back in his place.

“Hey, sit down, I got this.” Moments later, Alec’s sliding chocolate chip pancakes onto plates and pushing them along the table to where Izzy and Jace look eager, cutlery in hand.

“Voila” He says proudly, tea towel over his arm.

When all three of them are sat around the breakfast bar, digging into their food, Izzy decided to point something out.

“You know, this isn’t as awkward as I thought it was going to be.” She says with an amused expression on her perfectly made-up face.

Jace looks at his sister and Alec looks at Jace.

“What?” Confusion is apparent on Jace’s face. _Why would it be awkward? What has Alec said to her?_

Before Izzy can explain herself, Alec chips in. “Uh, I told her everything this morning.” He takes a forkful of pancake into his mouth after he says it.

“Oh” Jace comes out with. “I guess sharing is caring.” He didn’t intend for it to come out so bitter.

“Jace, it’s okay. I’ve known for ages.” Izzy reassures, as if that’s supposed to make him feel any better. He wonders how long is ages, probably a lot longer than the time he’s known something was up, he thinks.

“Oh great. I’m glad _you_ were clued in.” Jace wonders why he’s so annoyed.

“No, Jace, I didn’t ever tell her. She guessed?” Alec looks questionably at his sister.

Izzy nods in response. “Look, I love you but you’re not particularly talented in the art of subtlety, big brother.”

“That’s what I said.” Jace adds. “But it turns out I was being fooled since day one.”

“Day one being way back before your parabatai ceremony?” Izzy raises her perfect eyebrows and smiles, amused.

 _Great._ Jace thought. _Ages is even longer than he thought. Izzy knew the whole time!_

Alec starts to look uncomfortable now as he puts his fork down and pushes the empty plate aside.

Jace’s head is swimming with thoughts. How is it that he’d managed to be kept in the dark all these years? He had no idea how his parabatai felt and now he doesn’t even know how he, himself, feels. Has he ever known how he really felt about Alec? He certainly thought he did. The thought terrifies him.

“So you knew the whole time?” Jace asks, knowing the answer already.

“Jace, come on, you know why we couldn’t tell you. Or at least why we thought we couldn’t.” Alec offers in aid of his sister’s case.

Jace does feel terrible about Alec suffering in silence all that time and realises he understands their reasoning; he’s just going to have to let it go. Helping his parabatai now is more important.

“Yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” Jace feels as if he’s apologising for much more than this implied. But why does he feel the need to apologise, he wonders. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He hoped.

At this, Alec says “You have nothing to be sorry for” at the same time as Izzy says “You don’t have to apologise.” At least they’re on the same page.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, either.” Jace points out, though Alec disagrees, not that he says anything. Instead, they look at each other - an abundance of emotions going unsaid.

Izzy notices the look and instantly feels she’s interrupting something. “Okay…so I’m gonna leave you boys to it, you probably still have a lot to talk about and you know how much I hate feeling like a third wheel.”

“Thanks for breakfast, Alec.” She adds as she gets up to leave. “Love ya” and she kisses the air in a very Izzy fashion before gracefully strutting out of the room.

Now left alone with his parabatai, Alec gathers the three plates and brings them up to the sink where stacks more washing up is left. Jace watches after him.

“Do you want some help with that?” He offers.

“No, don’t worry, I’ll do it later. Besides, Izzy’s right and you promised we’d talk more this morning. You know…about…everything.” Alec sounds as if he can’t quite believe what he’s suggesting as he takes a seat right opposite Jace on the breakfast bar. He crosses his arms in front of him on the table, looking at the man opposite, expectantly.

Jace takes a deep breath and releases it through puffed-out cheeks, expecting a heavy conversation ahead of them. “Yeah, right.” He’s ready.

Alec starts the ball rolling. “So what do you think we should do?”

“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve figured that out yet. And I can’t until I figure out how I feel, you know, where my head’s at with all this.”

“You still don’t think you know?” A slightly confused expression sets on Alec’s face.

“I know I don’t know.” Jace answers simply. “I’m…confused…you know?”

“Trust me, I know.”

“I mean, I’ve just never thought of you that way, I don’t think. Hell, I don’t even know if I know what _that way_ means.”

Jace feels completely at a loss with his feelings, nothing quite making sense. Wouldn’t it be easier if there was just one type of love, he thinks. As he tries to arrange his conflicting thoughts, Alec sighs.

“Jace, don’t worry about it. It’s fine.” He starts to fiddle with a coaster on the table. “You don’t have to figure anything out, you’re not the one…having these feelings, I’m the one who needs to figure stuff out.”

Something about this view feels wrong to Jace and he lets it be known. “And who are you to tell me what I feel and don’t feel?”

“Your parabatai?” Alec suggests with a point.

Jace looks as if he’s about to say something to counter this but settles with “Good point.”

Alec takes a sip of his slightly cold coffee when suddenly, Jace’s phone beeps from his pocket and with a glance at the screen, he tells Alec it’s Maryse. She needs to see him in her office _now_.

“Have to go, sorry about the dishes.” He feels genuinely bad for having to leave.

“It’s alright.” Alec smiles his lop-sided smile that Jace realises he has become quite fond of. “I’m sure I’ll manage without you.”

Something about these words send shivers down Jace’s spine. He doesn’t like the sound of those words. _No, you won’t._

Regardless, he jumps up and half-jogs to the door. However, when he gets there, he pauses, thinks for a moment and turns on his heels.

Alec is about to stand up as Jace comes back towards him but is pushed back down onto his stool by his parabatai, with such little force, that _pushed_ becomes a questionable choice of language.

Just as Alec is about to stutter something, Jace is lifting his face with one finger under his chin, hurriedly, but with gentle precision. Alec freezes.

Within a couple of seconds, Jace’s slightly chapped lips are on his, pressing a curious and cautious kiss to Alec’s mouth. It only lasts a few seconds and Alec doesn’t move or kiss back at all. Jace thinks his parabatai must just naturally understand that this is for him, not Alec. Though the element of surprise probably contributes to his stillness, also.

Jace is also the one to pull away from the kiss, a pensive look on his face as he takes in Alec’s utterly shocked expression, lips parted slightly and eyes wide.

Jace’s phone beeps again in this moment, reminding him of his summoning. Snapped back to reality, he darts towards the door once more but decides there’s one more thing Alec should know before he goes.

“This wasn’t out of pity or apology or obligation.” He says, meaning every word. “It was for me. I did that because I wanted to.” He points at the man he has just kissed, in an effort to make his words more convincing. Then he leaves.

As Jace turns the corner, his thoughts are reeling, more so than before. He hears them talking over each other impatiently in his own mind. _What in the hell did I just do? Why did I do that? Have I messed everything up now?_

Though, one thing was certain in Jace’s mind. _I wanted to do that._ For what reason, he wasn’t sure but the rush he felt told him it was significant. His heart beat out of his chest as adrenaline coursed through his whole body. This isn’t a new sensation for a shadowhunter at all and it almost feels familiar. He decides he likes it.

Alec’s POV

Alec remains frozen to the spot, staring in the direction Jace had just left in. Trying to steady his breathing, a whole number of questions form in his head; _what just happened? That wasn’t a dream, right? This is real life. Why would he do that, if not out of pity, like he said? Was he trying to figure out how he feels…about me?_

Alec has always been absolutely positive that Jace’s feelings towards him were strictly platonic, brotherly. He always knew his parabatai loved him, a lot, but to what extent had never been questioned before. Alec always knew the difference; he knew that he loved his sister in a very different way to how he loved Jace.

Maybe Jace doesn’t know the difference. Maybe that’s what he’s trying to figure out. But Alec doesn’t want him to feel obliged to try to figure it out, just because he’s been made aware of Alec’s true feelings towards him. _What is going to become of us?_ Alec finds himself wondering. Worrying.

He also wonders about the kiss they had just shared. It felt strangely natural, Alec thinks. Like it was something they did every day, not because they had to, but because they want to. He didn’t kiss Jace back for two reasons. One of which being he was still completely dazed and in shock but primarily, he knew this was something Jace had to discover for himself. He did it for himself.

_Right?_

 


	3. Family: You Belong With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace can only rely on his parabatai to console him through some self doubt brought about by Maryse.

Jace’s POV

Maryse had wanted a word with Jace about his suspicious relationship with Valentine. _Great,_ Jace thought to himself as she explained. Apparently, running off with the enemy, for whatever reason, warrants a great deal of doubt over your loyalty to the clave. Or something like that. Jace could hardly believe it as he listened to his own mother questioning his true allegiance.

 _Why does nobody trust me?_ He thinks after leaving Maryse’s office. _My allegiance is to my family._

As he thought more about what Maryse had said, he became more and more upset, going over every word in his head. “I don’t even recognise you anymore.” She had told him, a look of complete disappointment on her face.

“How do you expect us to look out for you when you’re putting _my family_ in danger?” At the stressed _my family_ Jace’s heart had sunk, he felt sick. He had always thought it was his family too.

He sinks down the wall of the corridor where his room was, not feeling strong enough to even open his door. As he stares ahead of him, a single defiant tear rolls down his cheek and Jace curses himself for it. This young shadowhunter is not a crier.

Then, Jace remembers someone who he knew would stand by him and trust him, no matter what. The someone who is the reason Jace had come to think of the Lightwoods as his family. Even though, according to Maryse, he was sorely mistaken in this belief.

Exactly on cue, Alexander Lightwood turns the corner with concern painted on his face, clearly on his way to Jace’s room. _Of course,_ Jace remembers, _I feel, he feels. He must have sensed something was up through our bond._

“Jace?” Alec notices the one he’s searching for, looking completely broken on the ground, knees pulled up to his chest and arms wrapped around them.

“Jace, what happened?” He goes to sit next to his parabatai, against the wall. Realising quite a lot has happened in the last hour or so, he makes himself clearer. “With mom?”

“You mean _your_ mom.” Jace’s voice is barely audible and sounds more fragile than glass.

Alec takes his gaze off Jace and sighs as he looks in the same direction as the blond. “What has she said to you?”

Jace leans his head on Alec’s shoulder, feeling defeated. This takes Alec by surprise and he looks down at Jace with concern. Then Jace speaks.

“Oh, only that I’m a danger to _her_ family and that you should all forget about me.” He sounds bitter yet vulnerable and hurt at the same time.

Now, Alec leans his head on Jace’s, shutting his eyes for a few seconds. “You know that’s not true. I don’t think that, nor does Izzy, or Max.”

Jace stays silent but listens intently to what he’s being told, needing to hear it. This is why he loves Alec, he thinks to himself. This is why they’re parabatai. No-one else can make him feel so comforted and loved and accepted.

“You _are_ a part of this family, Jace.” He continues. “You belong with us…with me. I need you.” When Jace doesn’t say anything, Alec keeps talking.

“Do you remember when we were like ten, a few weeks after you came to us, we did that treasure hunt around the institute?”

Jace nods into Alec’s shoulder.

“And Izzy was distraught when she thought she was going to lose. She only had two bits of treasure in her box and there was like five minutes left. I couldn’t stop her crying so I went to go tell Dad to hide some more for her to find.” Alec sounded as though he was reciting the fondest memory he could remember with a smile on his face.

“Only when I got back, she had lots more treasure. You had re-hidden yours in plain sight for her and she had the biggest smile on her face when time was up and she’d won.”

Jace was now smiling into Alec’s shoulder, remembering it well.

“That’s when I realised you belonged in our family, Jace. When I realised we needed you.”

Now, Jace takes his head off Alec’s shoulder and looks up at his parabatai with slightly red, damp eyes. Alec looks at him with so much adoration, reassurance with a hint on nostalgia that Jace feels something blaze up inside of him, something foreign but comforting.

Suddenly, Jace remembers the kiss they shared earlier that morning and he finds himself wanting to do it again. Except, for different reasons. That had been out of curiosity, a desperate need to push his feelings to the limit before figuring them out.

Now, he just wants to kiss his parabatai.

However, Alec beats him to it, placing the sweetest of kisses onto Jace’s forehead. It’s a risky move on Alec’s part, Jace thinks. But that risk paid off because as Alec pulls back, a hand goes around his neck, pulling his head down to reach Jace’s. Then they’re kissing.

It’s not desperate, or rushed, or messy. But rather delicate, laced with care and passion at the same time. It feels almost like a hug to Jace, and he breathes his parabatai in deeply as Alec does the same.

Jace feels the need to be as close to Alec as humanly possible and wonders why they haven’t ever done this before; it feels so natural. Is that because they’re parabatai? Brothers?

He can also feel what he believes to be Alec’s emotions through the parabatai bond and the rune on his hip burns gently, but it’s somewhat soothing. Alec’s feelings seem to mirror his own, or are they his own? He can’t be sure because both sets of emotions are blending into one, overlapping. They’re becoming one through the bond.

But it’s different from when they’re battling demons together; this isn’t because they need to be connected, it’s because they want to be.

As they break away from the kiss, Alec hangs on to Jace’s bottom lip for a couple of seconds before letting go, reluctantly. Jace smiles at this and they sit there, foreheads touching, smiling at each other.

“I love you, Alec.” Jace manages through his smile.

“I love you too.”

“I know.”

“I know you know.”

They both laugh. And it’s like nothing’s changed, even though it has.

Alec’s eyebrows furrow after they’re done laughing and put some more distance between their faces. “Is this not weird for you?”

“No.” Jace’s eyebrows raise as he says it, in surprise. “It’s not weird. It actually feels quite natural.” He takes a deep breath. “I can’t be without you, Alec. I need you. I love you, I just never realised _how_ I love you.”

“And you do now?” Alec’s voice is quiet, almost timid.

Jace pulls Alec’s head down slightly again and kisses him firmly on the mouth.

“That’s how I love you.”

 


	4. Thank You And Goodnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec ends up helping Jace with more than just acceptance issues and Jace says something he shouldn't have. Good one, Jace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for some angst in this chapter. It can't be all plain sailing now can it?

The whole day has been a whirlwind for Alec. He had started off unsure, of Jace’s feelings _and_ of what their strategy would be to get through the horrible mess. Only, now he realises it’s not such a horrible mess anymore and he currently has the biggest smile on his face, watching his parabatai clear up the training room.

“Are you just gonna sit there grinning like an idiot, or are you gonna help?” Jace says with not a glimpse of humour on his slightly flustered face.

Snapped out of his trance, Alec stands up and starts towards where a bunch of sparring equipment is lying on the floor.

“Sorry.” He says still smiling a bit. “Just thinking.”

Jace looks up from sweeping the floor and leans on his broom, looking directly at his parabatai. “Fair, I mean, you’ve got a lot to think about, I guess. We both do.”

Alec is about to say something when Jace continues, cutting in.

“But, if you could just help me get this done first. Think after, yeah? I’ll even join you.”

“Deal.”

The next ten minutes goes by in silence as they both busy themselves with the chores Maryse had given Jace as form of punishment for his ‘disloyalty’.

Alec thinks how strange yet wonderful it is, that they can not say a word to each other the whole time and it not be the slightest bit awkward or uncomfortable. It’s a remarkably comfortable silence, just working around each other.

Alec looks at the clock when they’re done. 8pm. He finds himself quite exhausted after a day of consoling his parabatai and helping him with his petty punishments from their mother. Jace, of course, hadn’t originally wanted any help, but Alec had insisted. Izzy was sent on a couple of missions whilst her brothers were unavailable, more than capable.

Now, Jace beams proudly around the room. “Et voila, Maryse! How’s that for spotless?”

Alec snorts at this and just as they’re leaving the room, Izzy walks by in the corridor, back from a mission involving some shax demons by the look of it, Alec thinks looking at the ichor on her outfit. She still looks bright and lively, nonetheless.

“Hey you guys!” She beams. “I’m just going up to bed but, hey, how did that talk go this morning? You’ve sorted things out, right?”

Alec and Jace look at each other, smile fondly then look back to Izzy. Alec speaks.

“Yeah, we’re good.”

Izzy waits for more but is disappointed. “You’re not going to elaborate on that?”

“No. We’re good.” Jace repeats, smiling mischievously.

Izzy catches this look and her expression turns confused as one eyebrow raises. “Okay…” She keeps looking between their two faces, alternating.

Alec reassures his sister. “Izzy, really, everything is fine. We’re both fine. You don’t have to worry.”

Izzy gives up on trying to extract more information. “Fine, well, as long as you’re both okay, I’m happy!”

“Thanks Iz.” Jace looks genuinely grateful for her acceptance of the little information she’s been given.

“Well, goodnight boys. I have to get myself cleaned up, eurgh.” She looks down at herself in disgust.

Once Izzy has disappeared around the corner, click-clacking as she goes, Jace turns to look at his parabatai.

“Hey, thanks for today. For everything, you know, not just the, uh, housework.” He smiles slightly. “Though, that was greatly appreciated, too.” He adds in haste.

“It’s okay, Jace. I’m always here for you. You know that.” Alec thinks just how true this is as he says it. He feels sure there’s nothing he wouldn’t help his parabatai with if he asked. They would always be there for each other, no matter what. Family are always there for each other.

Jace nods, understanding. “Thanks, I really needed it today. You helped me feel accepted again, so thank you.”

Alec furrows his brow slightly and tilts his head, sceptical. “What’s going on? You don’t usually thank me this much.”

Jace lets out a small, nervous laugh. “Well, it’s not too late to start.”

Now, Alec is getting worried. What is going through Jace’s mind? He thinks he can feel a hint of nervousness through their bond but he can’t be sure that it’s not his own, now.

Jace must see Alec’s doubtful gaze because his face changes to a more serious expression with a sigh.

“Look.” He starts, looking scared of the very words about to come out of his mouth. “I’ve just been thinking…maybe…maybe we’re better off…” He leaves the question hanging in the air.

Alec feels his heart sink as he anticipates the rest of the fragmented sentence. _Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say. Please don’t say you regret this. Don’t take it all back. Don’t say we were better off before. I wasn’t._

Jace is really struggling so Alec helps him get back on track. “Better off as what?” His tone is accusatory as he says it, he doesn’t know whether to feel bad yet. Not until Jace finishes his sentence, at least.

“Better off as…brothers? Again, I mean.” Jace looks as if he just accidentally said the most hurtful thing he could muster and tried to disguise it as a friendly suggestion.

As his heart rate starts to incline and his face flushes, Alec realises what he’s currently feeling towards his beloved parabatai is anger. It’s been a while since he truly felt this towards Jace and it feels foreign.

He can tell by the other man’s guilty expression that he knows the dreadfulness of his own words but Alec doesn’t care how guilty Jace feels. He should feel guilty. How could he say that, now? After everything?

“Are you serious?” Is all Alec can muster at this point.

“I know it sounds terrible. But, Alec, wouldn’t it just be easier? I mean, to forget…” He sighs and Alec curses his next words before he’s even said them. “to forget this ever happened?” Jace is looking at the floor as he says this.

Alec’s not having it. “Jace, look at me when you’re talking to me.” He’s past caring how uncomfortable it makes either of them.

Hesitantly, Jace does meet his gaze and they each see the pain in each other’s eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re actually saying this. What’s wrong with you? You think this is okay?” Alec can’t mask how hurt he feels. _It’s barely been ten hours since he was kissing me and telling me_ how _he loves me._

He considers saying this out loud but decides against it. It’s nothing Jace doesn’t already know, he knows exactly why this is so cruel.

“Alec, please understand. Don’t you think this is just too confusing? I mean, if the clave finds out…”

Alec just shakes his head, wondering why he ever thought Jace would be the one to disregard what the clave thinks and do what he wants, regardless. But, in fact, he knows why he had thought this: it’s Jace freaking Wayland, clave defying rebel. So much for that, Alec thinks.

“I’m sorry. I am. I know I shouldn’t be saying this after what I said this morning but…the truth is, I should never have said what I did. All it’s done is hurt you. And that’s the last thing I –”

Alec cuts him off before he can say anything else. “No. You’re right. You shouldn’t have said it.” And he turns to walk away the same direction Izzy had gone, heart beating so hard it may shatter and eyes brimming with tears threatening to give him away. “Goodnight, Jace.”

 


	5. For Old Time's Sake: I Forgive You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace decides he has to patch things up with his parabatai but Alec is unsure about the true extent of Jace's feelings. Can they get it together? For old time's sake?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a cute one - quite a lot of fluff was involved in the production of this chapter - be warned (cute fluff though, not sickening fluff dw) ;)

Jace’s POV (continued immediately after end of chapter 4)

 

As Jace watches his parabatai, brother, best friend, walk away from him, further and further out of reach, he feels he might just collapse against the wall and release the burning tears behind his eyes. It’s so painful but he can’t bring himself to say a word to stop Alec from leaving. He had every right to leave.

He can’t stop seeing his parabatai’s face, full of hurt and disbelief. Jace has ended up doing the one thing he most wanted to avoid; hurting Alec, who he loves with all his heart, in every way. How could he have been so stupid to have gotten his hopes up only to tear them down barely ten hours later? There’s just no way a real relationship could have happened between them, it’s such a far-fetched idea and they both know it.

But Jace had put hope in Alec’s mind, in his own mind, too. And now, his parabatai probably hates him for it. Who can blame him? _How do I fix this?_

Jace can feel the hurt through their bond and it’s tearing him apart inside, knowing that Alec is that upset and there’s nothing he can do about it. He doubts Alec would let him.

When Alec is long gone, down the hall, Jace’s knees buckle and he slides down the wall, tears forming now. He realises this is the second time today he’s done this. Only the first time, he had his parabatai to help him back up, as always. _I can’t be without him._

As his head falls back and hits the hard wall with a painful thud, Jace forces himself to filter through his thoughts, try to make sense of them.

 _I can’t let this thing I started go on any longer. It’s not fair to Alec. It’s never going to be allowed to go any further. It just can’t happen. It’s illegal. It’s bad._ Jace sighs. _But it felt so good._ He rolls his eyes at himself. _Not helping._

He had just wanted to tell Alec all of that without hurting him. _Way to go on that one, Jace. A for effort._ He curses himself.

It’s been almost an hour. And he’s just sitting there, feeling sorry for himself, not doing anything to try to make it better. So, he goes up to bed. At least sleeping will put him out of his misery for a while.

Hours later, he’s lying in bed, still staring at the ceiling, the same thoughts bustling and colliding in his headspace. This is not going away. The guilt. He realises quickly that sleep is not an option, not that he deserves any, he thinks. _I’m just lying here, doing nothing, while Alec suffers._

Realisation hits and he learns something about himself in the process.

 _I’m such a dick._ He sits up, wipes his eyes and creeps out of his room in the direction of Alec’s.

As he approaches his destination, he welcomes some fond memories from their childhood. The two young boys often used to creep out of their rooms at night and go to wake the other up so they could sit in bed and talk until they fell asleep.

At first, Maryse had worried when finding one of their bedrooms empty in the morning but after a while, it became an unsaid routine and she always knew where she could find them, wrapped up in blankets on one of their beds together.

Jace and Alec always thought they were fooling their mother, because she would never question it. They found it most amusing, sneaking around, thinking they were stealthily avoiding their parent’s suspicion. And it was always much easier to sleep with the other next to them, especially when they had nightmares.

Now, ten years later, Jace realises he hasn’t done this since they were about fourteen and it is most likely going to go horribly wrong for him, considering the person on the other side of the door doesn’t even want to see him. And is probably asleep already. _Oh, just do it, Jace._ He tells himself.

Consequences be damned, he twists the doorknob and opens the door, eliciting a tiny creak.

It’s pitch black inside. Alec always did like to sleep this way, no distractions. This causes Jace to think Alec’s probably not going to appreciate in the slightest the distraction that is his jerk of a parabatai sneaking into his room in the middle of the night. He wonders why he’s doing this again. _Too late now. Sorry Alec. I have to make this right. I’m doing this for you. For us.  
_

“Alec?” He whispers rather loudly, knowing his parabatai is a light sleeper and it would probably wake him even if he is asleep.

He hears a small, exasperated sigh come from the bed. One that says ‘ _oh great, just what I need.’_

“What in the hell are you doing, Jace?” Alec sounds disgruntled, to say the least. But it doesn’t sound like he had been asleep either.

“Can I come in? Look, I really need to talk to you, properly. Please?” Jace knows the chances are slim but he's willing to make a fool of himself for his best friend.

Alec remains silent but Jace isn’t backing down yet. “Please let me in. For old time’s sake?”

He hears Alec release a long breath again. “Fine.” Then, he sits up and turns on the small night lamp on his bed-side table, plunging the room into a dim, amber glow. “But I don’t really want to talk. Not to you.”

This hurt, admittedly, but Jace gets it. “That’s fine. I get that. You just have to listen.” He closes the door quietly behind him and walks over to the bed which is covered in blankets. The same ones that have always been on Alec’s bed, Jace recalls. One of them is his, he had left it there all that time ago, and obviously, Alec has never returned it.

“I can do that.” Alec says, as Jace takes a seat, tentatively, at the end of the bed.

He takes a deep breath before setting his gaze on Alec whose hair is all messed up and adorable, matching his quaint, unimpressed facial expression. _Don’t think that, Jace. He’s mad at you, remember? You don’t deserve to appreciate his beautiful face right now. Or maybe ever…_

That thought terrifies him so he begins.

“I would never mean to hurt you, Alec. And I know, that probably doesn’t mean anything or excuse anything because you already know that, right?” Jace does sincerely hope his parabatai and best friend, knows he would never mean to hurt him. Ever.

Alec simply nods, not giving much away. But it’s enough. Jace nods too before continuing.

“And you also need to know that everything I said this morning, is still true. Everything I felt, I still feel, Alec. Nothing has changed. It’s just…I was being naïve, and stupid, I got caught up in it all, in you, and forgot about all the reasons why this can’t happen. The same reasons that held you back from telling me about your feelings all those years.”

Alec looks away at this, not wanting to be reminded, most likely. Jace goes on, nonetheless.

“I wanted to tell you before it went any further because I don’t want you to get hurt, like this, again, further down the line. It can’t go any further because it’s never going to be allowed to happen, it’s illegal. We both know that. I was just kidding myself, thinking that we could be _that_ and everything would be fine. But I realised today, we just can’t deal with the consequences, Alec, it’s not fair on either of us. We can’t hide it forever.”

Alec squints, clearly annoyed. “You couldn’t have had this epiphany a little earlier, say, breakfast?”

Jace winces at the tone of his parabatai’s voice. He knows what Alec is really saying is _if you had had this realisation before you kissed me, you could have spared my feelings and saved our friendship._ “I’m sorry.” And he is. “I know that I am a massive jerk. And I never believed you whenever you told me that, but now, I get it. I know that about myself now.”

Alec snorts and Jace thinks he might even laugh but he doesn’t.

“I’m just sorry you have a massive jerk for a parabatai. You deserve better.”

Alec looks at Jace now who is fiddling with the corner of a dark grey blanket. “Don’t say that. I mean, you are a jerk, generally. But not all the time.”

“This would be a lot easier if I was, right?”

Alec just nods silently, looking at where Jace was playing with the edge of the blanket.

“What are you thinking?” Jace asks somewhat nervously, not sure if he wants to know the answer.

Alec sighs and sort of shakes his head. “Do you really wish you’d never said any of that this morning about how you really feel about me? Do you…wish you’d never kissed me?”

Jace’s eyes widen as he thinks about this. “No. I don’t wish that. I mean, it would be easier if I hadn’t but the easiest path isn’t always the right one.” He pauses to think then continues. “I thought I regretted it but I don’t.”

Alec agrees. “Well, neither do I. I want to tell you that I wish it never happened but I’d be lying.” He breathes in. “And I don’t lie to you.”

Jace feels relieved they’re in agreeance with this and that Alec is being honest with him. Honesty most likely is the best policy in this situation.

“Me neither. I would never lie to you and I can’t just hide the truth either.” He takes a deep breath before swinging both his legs up onto the bed and crossing them. “I love you, Alec. You know that and you know how. I don’t want to end whatever this is but I feel like we should. To save us both more heartache down the line.”

Alec looks satisfied with the honesty at least and decides to share his truthful view on the situation. “Well, here’s my angle on this.” He starts.

“I love you, Jace. You know that and you know how. I am mad at you, I do think you’re kind of a jerk, but I don’t hate you. I couldn’t even if I wanted to. And believe me, a few hours ago, I wanted to. I don’t want to end whatever this is and I don’t feel we should. To save us both from heartache _now._ ”

Alec shrugs after giving his honest opinion and Jace can feel himself being swayed the longer he looks at the man he’s in love with.

He blinks and tries to think clearly again but Alec’s looking at him with a mixture of hope and sadness that makes Jace want nothing else but to take his parabatai into his arms, hug him tightly and kiss him all over, reassuring him that he is the most important person in his life and that he is utterly and irretrievably in love with him.

“That does make sense, I guess.” He manages. Then he shuffles his way closer to Alec on the bed, he can’t help it. “You still want that even after what I did to you?”

Alec looks baffled himself. “Evidently. But I’m still mad at you for it. You made me feel like I couldn’t have been as important to you as you are to me. Like the whole thing was… trivial to you. I would never play with your feelings like that.”

This completely breaks Jace. He almost hears his own heart shatter. He starts to feel the familiar stinging behind his eyes. _How can I show you how much you mean to me?_

He reaches for Alec’s hand, terrified that he’ll pull away but relieved when he doesn’t. He holds his hand with both of his own as Alec looks at him, in anticipation.

“Alec, I can only apologise if I ever gave you the impression that you are anything less than the most important person in my life. There is nothing trivial about the way I feel about you and I know I’ve only recently come to terms with this but I am hopelessly, irretrievably in love with you.”

Jace looks expectantly at Alec, eyebrows raised awaiting his parabatai’s reaction. When Alec finally smiles, he feels a huge weight lifted and has every hope that he got through to him.

“I didn’t think you were one for lengthy love confessions.” Then he looks down at their hands where they are automatically entwining their fingers.

Jace laughs a little. “Normally, I’m not, but Alec, the fact that you were ever in doubt terrifies me. I’m your parabatai, your brother, your best friend and I would do anything for you. I’m just an idiot sometimes and you’re gonna have to put up with that, I’m afraid.”

“I’ve been putting up with that for twelve years, Jace, I’m used to it.” Alec smiles slightly, then sighs. “I’m used to you, Jace, you’re…you’re home for me.”

Jace can’t even contain the love in his newly reconstructed heart at that moment. So, he doesn’t. Instead, he leans forward and kisses Alec with purpose, their free hands entwine to match their others and both pairs of clasped hands go between their two bodies.

No matter how much Jace’s head tries to tell his heart that this can only end badly, his heart is too full, too complete to listen to anything that denies it of this feeling.

Alec kisses back but Jace still doesn’t know if he deserves it, Alec never even forgave him and yet here they are, acting as if everything has been made up. _I suppose the saying is ‘kiss and make-up’, not the other way around,_ Jace thinks. And as if Alec reads his mind, he separates their mouths momentarily.

“I forgive you.” Alec whispers onto Jace’s lips. Then he presses his lips back to where they were, back where they belong.

When they both break apart from the kiss, they simultaneously realise they still haven’t decided what they’re going to do. The make-up part. The question is on both their faces but Alec gets there first.

“So, what are we going to do?”

“I…uh, I don’t know. But I do know I do not want to stop doing that.”

“Really? So, you don’t just want to forget this ever happened and save us the trouble in the long-run?”

“What can I say?” Jace shrugs. “You’re very persuasive.”

Alec grins at this and Jace is suddenly so thankful that he decided to barge in on Alec in the middle of the night.

 


	6. Sleepovers And Smiles: Dream Happy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec doesn't want Jace to go now that they've kissed and made up. Are they too old for sleepovers?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution: fluff fluffety fluff fluff. You're welcome.

Alec’s POV

“I should probably get back to bed.” Jace mutters, sounding unenthusiastic about the prospect. “You know, now that we’ve, uh, made our peace.”

Alec finds the idea of Jace leaving quite upsetting despite having wanted him to do just that the minute he had creaked open the door earlier that night.

But now, now that he knows how his parabatai truly feels about him and the extent to which he loves him, he doesn’t want Jace to go anywhere. He’s waited six years for this. For him. He finds himself wishing that it could be like it was when they were young and had sleepovers just to be in each other’s company for longer.

But then he wonders why it can’t still be like that. Would that be totally weird? _It’s probably already weird._ He thinks to himself. In fact, the moment he had heard Jace enter his room, he was reminded of their childhood escapades to each other’s rooms at night and their endless talks wrapped up in blankets. He remembers those times fondly and decides there’s no reason it can’t be like that again. Even once.

“Or…” Alec is somewhat nervous about asking but hopes with all his heart that Jace will see the appeal in the idea. “…we could have a sleepover?” He asks just as Jace is getting up off the side of the bed.

After hearing the intriguing question, Jace perches back down on the edge of the bed and looks at Alec pointedly with a touch of confusion written on his face. “You mean like when we were ten?”

Alec doesn’t know what to make of this response but smiles anyway, a lopsided smile. “Yeah, exactly.” He explains, praying Jace won’t think it’s a ridiculous thing to ask. ‘ _Aren’t we a bit old for that?’_ he expects his reply to be.

Jace shuffles back over to where Alec is sat up and sits with their faces centimetres away from each other, a huge smile on his face. “There is nothing I would like more right now.” He says through his smile.

Alec kisses him quickly on the lips in a sweet, impulsive gesture before Jace crawls under the duvet next to his parabatai, still smiling. Noticing he’s still sat up, Alec shuffles down to bring them to the same level, both heads resting on two pillows each. Then, Alec remembers something that makes him reach over the side of the bed.

He pulls back up another pillow and offers it to Jace. When they were young, he always slept with three which Alec found strange but was happy to accommodate for, then and now. Suddenly he thinks maybe Jace doesn’t do that anymore; it’s been a long time since then. A part of him hopes he hasn’t changed his habit, that not all that much has changed at all.

Jace smiles even more when he realises Alec remembers his special sleeping requirement. “I was just about to ask.” He says, taking the pillow and placing it on top of the two he already has before placing his head back down on them, inches higher than Alec, now.

“Now you’re higher up than me.” Alec complains with a fake sad expression.

“Maybe that’s why I always liked it this way.” Jace smirks mischievously. “To feel superior.”

Alec jabs him gently with his leg under the covers then his face goes slightly serious. “You don’t need pillows to do that.” He half mumbles.

“Hey.” Jace looks quite concerned. “You’re far superior to me in a lot of ways.”

Alec knows Jace is just trying to make him feel better but he doesn’t really want to talk about it. He has always felt that Jace was the chosen one, meaning a life in his shadow. And he wasn’t even his real brother. Somehow, Maryse and Robert managed to adopt a child and place him on a higher pedestal than their own flesh and blood.

But this never affected the way Alec felt about his parabatai. He knew he was the best and was always just proud more than anything. Izzy had always been the one mostly affected by the whole favouritism thing which Alec resented most about his parents.

“You’re right. I do build better blanket forts.” Alec tries to lighten the mood. It must work because Jace smiles again in reminiscence.

“I don’t know about _that._ I seem to remember a lot of collapses.”

“Well, at least I actually managed to build the thing in the first place. There has to be a fort to collapse.” They’re both smiling and laughing at each other as if they’re still young boys and nothing has changed. As if this was just another sleepover starting with a knock at the door and ending with a ‘ _goodnight’_ and a ‘ _dream happy’._ Something they had made up instead of _sweet dreams_ just because they wanted to and because it was just for them to say to each other.

About five minutes later, after more childish joking around, Alec turns to switch the lamp off. Then, the room is pitch black whilst their eyes adjust.

They’re facing each other but can’t see each other’s faces. They don’t need to, to be able to tell the other is smiling back.

“I’ve missed this.” Jace says, fondly.

“Me too.” Alec agrees, clutching the duvet and a blanket to his chest. Parts of Jace’s face start to come into vision as his eyes adjust and the moonlight from the window sculpts the high points of his face beautifully.

The same must be happening for Jace because he lifts his hand to Alec’s chin and tilts it slightly up to face him. “You have a very beautiful face; do you know that?”

Alec is slightly taken aback. “Uhhh, no? Not _everyone_ gets told that every day, Jace.” A playful smile sets on his lips as he watches the provoked reaction with amusement.

“Not _every_ day.” Jace smiles back. “And I can’t help it if people have great taste and want to point it out.” They both laugh a small yet incandescently happy laugh.

Suddenly, they’re both leaning forward and within seconds, their lips are locked. Due to their persistent grins, the kiss is more teeth and smiles but nonetheless, Alec feels light and perfectly content. He sighs into it, releasing years of locked up emotions and guilty desires.

He can feel Jace’s happiness through their bond, mingling with his own. It’s reassuring to know that he feels the same way and Alec is, in that moment, very thankful for their parabatai bond. He realises he loves being Jace’s parabatai more than anything, his brother in arms. He wouldn’t want to lose that for anything in the world.

When they both break away, there’s a question on Alec’s lips. Jace raises his eyebrows in response to Alec’s inquisitive look.

“Jace?” Alec asks and Jace nods, looking slightly worried. “Whatever this is…it’s not going to change anything, is it?”

Jace looks a bit confused so Alec elaborates. “I mean, we’re still…parabatai. Still…all _that._ ”

Now Jace breathes out and smiles easily. “Of course, Alec. We’ll always be _that._ ” He reaches over to brush a bit of fringe from Alec’s forehead in a loving gesture. “You don’t have to ever worry about that. Whatever happens to us, whatever we decide to be, we’ll always be that. I promise.”

“Okay, good.” Alec feels relieved but deep down, he thinks he knew they would be okay anyway, knew Jace would reassure him of this. But something else brings itself to the forefront of his mind and his brow furrows consequently. “But, what are we deciding to be? I mean, we’re parabatai, but also best friends, brothers, and now?” The question hangs in the air.

Jace looks slightly bewildered as if he has just been asked an impossible question. “I still want to be all those things, don’t you? We’re still family, right? That’s not weird?”

Alec shakes his head slowly, realising what his parabatai is so worried about. “No, well, I mean maybe it is weird, but it’s a unique situation. You don’t have to worry about it, you’ll always be family. No matter what Mom says. It’s like I said, you belong with us.”

With a sharp intake of breath, Alec smiles as he suddenly feels Jace’s leg wrapping around his own and within a few seconds, the two are curled up together, fitting perfectly into each others' bodies. It’s just like when they were younger, Alec thinks, and he wonders whether Jace did it on purpose in remembrance of those times or whether he just naturally still has the same sleeping habit.

Jace’s head being higher up on the three pillows, Alec’s head falls slightly beneath, fitted snugly under Jace’s chin. Alec closes his eyes taking in his parabatai’s scent and wanting to just feel Jace all around him, warm and sturdy. He feels him place a brief kiss on his forehead, causing him to smile more.

“I love you, Alec.” Jace’s voice sounds in awe, wonder, almost. He starts stroking Alec’s hair and pulls the blanket up closer around them.

“I love you too, Jace.” Alec feels himself becoming more and more tired and fights back a yawn. He knows he won’t be able to stay awake much longer. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” The way Jace speaks gives away his smile. He pauses. “Dream happy.”

Alec’s heart flutters and he really believes he will. “You too.”

 


	7. Parabatai, Always

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace can't be found the next morning when Maryse wants another chat. Izzy finds him in Alec's bedroom, half naked. Fun times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, I'm thinking :)

“Alec?” Knock, knock, knock. “Alec?”

Alec stirs slightly from hearing his name but when he opens his eyes and sees the sun streaming through his window, he wonders why he didn’t wake up with the sun, like he usually does. Then, he feels an arm strewn across his middle, delicate, but as if by accident. _That’s why. He’s why._ He thinks, smiling to himself.

“Uh, what is it, Izzy?” he croaks back to his impatient sounding sister on the other side of the door.

Upon hearing his parabatai’s voice, Jace stirs and opens his eyes quickly. He looks slightly confused, Alec thinks. Probably, he’s just not used to waking up so late but maybe also because he’s just realised Izzy is outside.

“Have you seen Jace?” Izzy asks and Jace and Alec look at each other with mild panic. “He’s not in his room and he’s usually up at the crack of dawn anyway.” She pauses. “Actually, so are you.” Alec can picture her perfect, furrowed brows from behind the door.

Both men are sat up by now and remain silent as they look at each other wondering what to say.

“Well?” Izzy persists. “Alec?”

“Uhhhh, maybe he’s in the kitchen making breakfast?” Alec knows he sounds about as convincing as the idea of Jace actually making breakfast.

“You don’t think I’ve looked there?” Izzy sounds frustrated now. “Ugh, why couldn’t you just find him yourself, Mom?”

Jace sighs when he hears it was Maryse who asked Izzy to find him. Alec can’t help but feel bad for him, she probably wants to have another discussion about how he’s most certainly not welcome in their family. Alec sighs too.

“He might have gone out?” Alec offers, looking at the man in question who’s giving him a sceptical look, one eyebrow raised. _Yeah, yeah, I know, you wouldn’t go out without telling anyone._

“What? Alec, you know Jace doesn’t leave without telling one of us.” Alec knows he’s done for now, he’s always been a terrible liar. “You know you suck at lying. What’s going on?”

Busted. “Where’s Jace?” Izzy persists. “And can you let me in, at least?”

“I’m here.” Jace pipes in. Alec looks at him in shock but Jace just rolls his eyes.

_Why would he just give us away like that? I could have carried on lying some more…and failing hopelessly._

Jace walks over to the door to let their sister in. Alec only just notices he’s not wearing a shirt anymore, just pyjama bottoms, he must have removed it at some point in the night.

Just before he opens the door, Jace looks at Alec and mouths something that looks like _don’t worry, it’s fine._

As Izzy comes into view, Alec sees her face is filled with questions. Yet she hasn’t asked any, she just stares in silence between the two of them for a good few seconds.

“Okay.” She finally says. “What is happening here? Why are you half naked in Alec’s room?” She then turns her gaze to her brother still sat in bed. “…and why all the playing dumb?”

Jace smiles innocently and shrugs. “I slept over.”

Alec stares at him incredulously. _Way to go Jace, subtle. She’ll never catch on now._

“You slept over?” She asks painfully slowly, eyebrows raised. “Aren’t you a little old for sleepovers?” She speaks in a mocking tone, but Alec knows she means no harm by it.

She continues. “And are you sure that’s a good idea, considering, you know…everything?” She looks accusingly at Alec who feels like running out of the room and this conversation.

Suddenly, something must dawn on her because her eyes widen and her mouth gapes open slightly. “Wait. Was it like an adult sleepover?” It’s not hard to tell what she’s insinuating.

“No, no.” Jace and Alec react at the same time. “Strictly sleeping.” Jace carries on, reassuring Izzy their night together was purely innocent, like when they were young boys.

Izzy closes the door, clearly not done. “Then why all the _oh, did you look in the kitchen?_ ” She looks pointedly at Alec and he feels embarrassed at the reminder of his terrible stint at playing the innocent.

Jace turns to Alec, oviously thinking this is one he shouldn’t have to answer himself. “It was just easier than having to explain, I guess…” Alec trails off then continues. “You know, unless you have all the details, it’s hard to explain.” He feels and sounds happy with this response.

“Well then you’d better give me all the details.” Izzy goes to sit on the end of the bed, waiting, smiling.

Jace and Alec exchange a look to make sure they’re both happy with sharing their secret with their sister. Neither of them object. _I guess Izzy should know,_ Alec thinks, _we may be able to keep it from the clave but it’ll never get past her, might as well tell her before she finds out._ Besides, Izzy always goes on about how her and her brother should have no secrets.

After a few seconds more of silence, Izzy breathes out impatiently. “Come on, I know you had that talk and you sorted everything out, but something happened, right?”

“You could say that.” Jace adds, smiling at Alec.

Izzy looks with intrigue at Jace’s expression, analysing it for answers. Alec looks at Izzy whilst she looks at Jace and straight away Alec knows she’s spotted something as her face settles.

“I can’t believe this.” She says sounding astounded. “By the angel, you two…?” She trails off wanting either or them to finish the sentence.

“Yeah.” Alec looks in apprehension at his sister, trying to figure out her reaction.

Izzy’s eyes widen and Alec knows what she’s thinking in this moment. How they’re breaking the law, how dangerous it is, how much of a risk it is if they get caught. She doesn’t voice these concerns though and Alec is silently grateful.

Jace looks slightly worried now but goes to sit down on the bed with the other two. “So, what do you think?”

“What do I _think_?” She starts, eyes no less wide. “I mean I’m…I’m happy for you, obviously. If you’re both happy.” She gestures to each of them.

Both her brothers smile stupid smiles and Alec reassures her. “Yeah, we’re happy. Do you think we’d be doing this otherwise, knowing the risks, if we weren’t?”

Izzy just shakes her head, almost in awe. Alec’s just pleased she’s taken it so well and he didn’t really even have to tell her, she worked it out on her own in typical Isabelle fashion. “Well, I’m happy if you’re happy. Just please be careful.”

Alec has to ask something. “So, you don’t think it’s a bad idea?”

Jace looks at Izzy expectantly, also intrigued for her response.

“No, I think you owe it to yourselves to give it a go, after all this time.”

“It doesn’t feel like all that long to me.” Jace says wistfully. For him, it’s barely been two days, Alec remembers.

“When did you find out?” Izzy asks and Alec finds himself anxious for Jace’s reply too.

“Uhh, yesterday morning. I think. Yeah.” Jace looks at Alec instead of Izzy.

“Sure you didn’t put anything in those pancakes, Alec?” Izzy smirks at her brother.

 _That kiss,_ Alec thinks back, _that kiss after breakfast must have been what flipped the switch for Jace._

Suddenly Jace remembers something. “Shouldn’t you be bringing me to Mom, right now?” He asks Izzy recalling the reason she came to find him.

Izzy’s eyes widen as she remembers too. “Oh, damn it, yeah, you’re right. She wants to see you about something.”

“Great.” Jace sighs, clearly having a good idea of what she wants to see him about. “Another comforting pep talk, I bet.”

“Jace, you don’t have to see her, you know. Just say no. You don’t deserve any of this punishment.” Alec wants to let Jace know he has a choice but he knows his parabatai is not one to hide from his problems.

“Yeah, Jace, none of what she or anyone else is accusing you of is true. You’re not at fault.” Izzy offers in assistance. “And you’ll always have us to back you up, remember?” She adds with a warm and familiar smile.

Jace is already getting up to leave. “Thanks guys.” He smiles back a bit but not enough for Alec to be convinced by it. “But we all have to face our demons someday.”

Izzy stands up with him, a defiant look on her face. “But it shouldn’t have to be your own mother.”

“It’s not just Maryse, it’s pretty much the entire Clave.” Jace explains, a sad expression in his eyes. “I have to find some way of proving my loyalty but that’s proving quite difficult what with all the punishments she’s laying on me.”

Izzy and Alec exchange a look then Izzy speaks, holding Jace’s shoulder. “Well, let us know if there’s anything we can do to help, I love you, Jace.” Then she stalks out of the room, click-clacking on her heels as she goes.

As soon as she’s gone down the hall, Jace jumps up onto the bed again quickly, planting himself right next to Alec. “I have to go.” He leans in to place a quick but loving kiss on Alec’s mouth before pulling back to admire his parabatai’s face and brush some unruly hair from it.

Alec can’t help but feel lighter in that moment despite the troubles Jace has to face downstairs. He desperately wishes there was something he could do to help but knows the Clave are too stubborn to ever let this issue go. All he can do is fight for him like he has every day since they met and will continue doing for as long as he needs to be fought for.

Alec nods, eyes still closed, just making the most of the sweet moment. When he opens them, Jace is looking at him in a way he’s never looked at him before, Alec is sure of that. It makes Alec’s hairs stand on end. Jace smiles when they make eye contact which almost renders Alec speechless.

“Uh, yeah, sure. You want me to come with you?” Alec thinks maybe Jace could use his support with their mother.

“Nah, I can handle her.” He jumps off the bed and suddenly realises he’s still shirtless. “Uh, have you seen my-”

Alec, knowing what he’s looking for, chucks him his shirt that he found crumpled at the end of the bed.

“Thanks.” Jace pulls the shirt over his head and starts towards the door but Alec stops him just before he can leave.

“Jace” he starts.

“Yeah?” He turns around at the door frame.

“Just remember she…she still loves you. No matter what she says. You can’t just get rid of that.”

Jace smiles fondly at this reassurance. “I know. I’ll be fine, Alec.”

Alec nods at this, half satisfied but still worried about what his mother’s going to say this time. He decides he needs to have a strong word with her later, not that he thinks it will do much good.

Once Jace is gone, Alec makes his bed, has a quick shower and gets dressed. A black fitted shirt and black jeans; his usual. He makes himself some coffee and toast when he reaches the kitchen for breakfast. He’s much later than usual and everyone else has already eaten.

As he leaves the kitchen with his half-drunk coffee still in his hand, he starts to walk mindlessly down the corridors and stops when he hears voices coming from his mother’s office. Jace sounds exhausted from defending himself and Maryse sounds unrelenting. Alec knows it’s probably wrong to listen in from outside but it doesn’t stop him from doing it.

“When are you going to understand that I would never do anything to hurt your family? I am loyal to you, you should know that.”

“Well it doesn’t look that way, Jace. Not when you’re running off with the enemy.”

“It’s not what it looked like. Don’t you trust me at all?”

Alec is rather interested to hear the answer to this himself. Does his mother trust her adoptive son at all?

He hears Maryse sigh in desperation with a hint of sadness. “Of course I do, Jace. It just doesn’t look good in the eyes of the Clave.” Her voice has softened significantly, no longer sounding unrelenting. “You have to understand that.”

“Yeah, I get that. Look, I take full responsibility for my actions. I know I must seem sorely misguided and-”

“Seem?” Maryse sounds indignant.

“Okay, maybe I am misguided…sometimes, but my intentions are good, I swear.”

There is no response so Jace continues. “I love you and your family. I would never want to hurt any of you, I owe you so much. You’re my family, my home. Why would I ever want to sacrifice that?”

Alec hears slow footsteps, clacking against the floor and assumes Maryse must be walking towards Jace. Then, she sighs heavily and Alec knows she’s caved, he knows that sigh.

“I do love you, Jace.” She pauses. “My son.”

Alec smiles at this and feels he’s heard enough to put his mind at ease so he leaves them be and heads back upstairs.

Around ten minutes later, he’s lying on his bed, anxiously waiting to see if Jace will come back to his room after his talk with their mother. Just as he’s doubting it, he hears someone knock at his door.

“Hey, it’s me. Can I come in?” Jace.

“Yeah, it’s open.”

Jace enters his room and glides over to the perfectly made bed where Alec is still lying on his back. He’s now wearing a grey zip-up hoodie and very deep grey jogging bottoms, instead of the pyjamas he was wearing when he left to see Maryse.

Without uttering a word, Jace goes to lie down next to his parabatai and once he’s settled, his arm goes above his head and he tucks his hand under the pillow. His other hand rests on his front and Alec looks down at it for a few moments.

Without even thinking, Alec reaches for his parabatai’s hand and entwines their fingers before lifting it off of Jace’s body and onto his own, fingers still locked together.

Jace turns his head on the pillow to face Alec and his gaze goes to their clasped hands resting on Alec’s chest. Jace’s whole upper arm is snugly fitted underneath Alec’s in their new position where Alec has stolen his parabatai’s hand for himself.

Alec is looking at Jace now and within a moment they’re meeting each other’s gaze. They incline their heads towards each other to get an even closer view and they both smile at each other.

“You’re not gonna ask me how it went?” Jace asks, still a hint of a smile on his lips.

Alec looks back up at the ceiling. “No. Don’t need to.” He can feel the comforting happiness emanating from Jace through their bond. It’s miles away from the emotions he felt reeling off of his parabatai after the first mother-son talk.

“Right.” Jace understands immediately. “Parabatai.”

“Always.”


End file.
